My oldest son, Gideon, is seven and in the first grade. For the first time ever, neighborhood boys have started knocking on our front door asking if Gideon could come out and play. Because I have been praying for years that Gideon (who is naturally introverted) would make friends, I am ecstatic about this new development in our household! I love watching the kids run from house to house and from backyard to backyard. It is wonderful for the kids and it is wonderful for our family.
Except for the butt problem.
The butt problem is simply that I’ve noticed Gideon use the word “butt” more frequently lately. Instead of saying “bottom,” (our word-of-choice when it’s necessary to speak of one’s backside), he sometimes says “butt.” Normally, when my husband and I correct him and remind him that we choose to avoid that word, he complies. But the other day, he seemed more hesitant to agree with us. In fact, he seemed put out with that family rule.
And suddenly, it clicked. “Gideon, do your friends use that word?” I asked, and immediately the floodgates opened.
“Yes! They do! Everyone says butt! Everyone is allowed to say butt! Everyone but me!”
This was one of those parenting moments when I really had to question whether our rules were truly necessary or not. I’m not naive. I don’t expect a 17-year-old football player to say that the coach patted his bottom before sending him into a game. At some point, I’m sure “butt” will assimilate into his everyday language and it probably won’t even be a big deal. But, the question is, when?
After a few days thinking about it, I’ve come up with several reasons why, for now, we’re still enforcing the no-butt rule.
1. It’s still too grown-up for a seven-year-old. We’re not raising a 17-year-old or even a 10-year-old. We’re raising a 7-year-old, and at 7, Gideon still sleeps with stuffed animals, watches cartoons, and believes in Santa. He may not be a baby anymore, and he may be getting too tall for me to comb his hair without having to stand on a stool, but he is still very much a child.
2. Whatever he does, the others will soon follow. I’m from a big family, so I know how it works. Whatever one child gets away with at 7, the next one gets away with at 6, the next at 5 and so on. Like it or not, Gideon has younger siblings who will follow his example in how he talks. And while I could probably swallow the idea of a first-grade boy saying “butt,” it would break my heart if I heard that word from my 3-year-old daughter’s mouth.
3. Sometimes issues are major for one family and minor for another. I am fully aware that some parents would give anything to deal with minor issues like this compared to major ones like violence, alcohol, disrespect or poor grades. They may even roll their eyes at a silly little rule like this when they’re having to check their son’s backpack for cigarettes. But I don’t care. Just because a rule is minor in another family doesn’t negate its significance in ours.
4. This is a wonderful introduction to the power of words. If I ask myself if I think use of the word “butt” is really that big of a deal, I would have to say no, of course not. But, if I ask myself if I think it’s important for my children to learn how to control their tongues, I would have to say absolutely! The Bible is full of verses that emphasize the destructive power that the tongue holds and the difficulty we have in controlling our words. If they can learn this lesson when they’re young, it will help later when they’re tempted with cussing, lying, and gossiping.
5. This is also a great lesson about peer pressure. When I first sent Gideon to kindergarten, I knew he would be exposed to things outside of our Christian family/church bubble. While I love the bubble, my main goal is not to shield my children from the world, it’s to raise them in such a way that they impact the world for Christ. So by showing them that they can make a difference for Christ even in small ways like the words they use (or don’t use), we’re laying the foundation for bigger things down the road. Peer pressure will only become greater as they get older. I’d rather they stumble and learn now when little is at stake than later when their whole lives are at risk.
So, while The Butt Problem has caused me to reevaluate our rule and conclude that I still believe in it for the time being, I have decided that I will probably change my approach in enforcing it. Instead of focusing on the surface-level issue (butt vs. bottom), I’m going to focus more on the issues below the surface, which are developing Christ-like speech and resisting peer pressure. I’ll let you know how it goes!
Moms who have gone before me, what are your thoughts?
Emily, it blesses my heart to know that another Mommy struggles when saying butt is “age appropriate. I got talked about a lot when my children were younger when I wouldn’t allow them to say butt. (They are now son 20, daughter 15). It just doesn’t sound good to hear a young child walk around and say that word. Of course there are much worse words being used daily, that I’m thankful my children are as just offended when they hear them. Stick to your convictions.
Yes, one of my hardest challenges is not saying it myself. Lol. But of course any time I slip (with any word), it feels like I yelled it into a microphone because they ALL notice!
This fascinated me. I see this as a social usage context issue. I’m a nurse and my husband is an attorney in healthcare. Obviously, to us, the word under consideration is a shortened version of the medical term, but I’m fairly sure that this background wouldn’t apply in your family and likely not in the other families of your son’s acquaintance. It is the word we have taught our children and they won’t be shifting to a less-anatomically-correct term, because it is not a “dirty” word and does have usage in our world. (I, in turn, would struggle having to use the term “bottom” as it would require extra prepositional phrases and adjectives: there are too many possible “bottoms.”) I think every family needs to make their own decisions on word usage for their family, and appreciate all the reasons you’ve listed for where you are drawing the line for your family. You graciously did not condemn others who do use the term and I appreciate that.
I love your medical point-of-view! And you’re right that “bottom” has issues of its own. Any time I tell my boys to grab something from the bottom shelf, they giggle uncontrollably! Sigh. 🙂
First of all, I like that you want to keep language age appropriate and that there are rules in your family. (I don’t think “butt” should come out of anyone’s mouth no matter their age.) A big one for us was saying the word “God”. While my children heard other friends say “OMG” or something similar, I overheard my child once tell a friend that we didn’t use that word in our house. The friend stopped – at least when visiting – and my child stood up for what he had been taught. From the time my children were little, we told them they would hear and see things that we didn’t want them to say or do. Second, our principal has a great “motto” that I use every day. “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” By helping your child learning how to control their tongue and to withstand peer pressure, they will know how to cope in the “real” world when they are older. Keep up the good work!
“Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” I LOVE that quote. I’m going to have to remember that one! Thanks!
Stick to your guns. This is a great teachable moment. Your child may not understand the why but he/she will understand the importance of language to you and to themselves, as well. I struggle with everyone thinking that it is just okay to use the same 5 adjectives to describe whatever one is speaking about. I am well over 20 and it is not a word I use to describe simple things or use to explain “whatever”. Society has slaughtered language and we see the evidence in sit-coms, movies, TV shows and friendly conversation. Because it is considered okay to use certain words outside of the correct contex, it becomes a habit and later a tradition. I know in different families we have differences but teach your child to respect the family ruling and to uphold the same idea to the friends. They may thing you are a little strange but his true friends would want to understand his family is different and ponder why.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Okay,
I don’t know if I’m in the minority here, or not. But in our family, it’s never age appropriate to say some words. Butt is one of them – okay, I just said it – oops!
We have very strict standards regarding our speech and our dress and our actions. Homeschooling makes that easier, but my kids still do have friends that are in the public school system.
To my 18 year old son, and my 12 year old daughter (as well as my 28 and 25 year old daughters). The bad sh word is shut up. The bad s word is stupid.
So, at what age to we compromise?
We use this same standard for movies and books, too. If it’s not appropriate for the kids, it’s not appropriate for us. (from an entertainment perspective)
We totally base every on God’s standards without “giving in” to pressures from those around us.
We don’t watch shows or channels even that use phrases like “OMG” Even when “gosh” is substituted, it’s offensive to us, because of the implication.
I was shocked at a neighborhood get together to hear a 3 year old say, “son of a….” He actually used the word. I looked to his mom, to see what her reaction was, and she smiled and said, “I think it’s so cute when he uses it in proper context.” It broke my heart. We’ve come so far, and accepted so much compromise that sometimes we don’t even realize it.
This may seem like a little thing, but I’ve learned that anytime the word “compromise” comes into play, I need to really pray and get into the Word to see what God has to say about it, so that His standard is how we live our lives.
I’m only 8 years into this parenting experience. It’s a tough job, but I say – do what your gut tells you. I also believe It’s important to set boundaries and expectations…children will rise to the level of expectation set. Great post!
Visiting from SITS Sharefest.
tks!
Danielle
@DanielleASB
When we were dealing with the ‘butt’ problem and other potty talk issues, (3to 7 years old) we simply told our little ones ‘no’, and expected obedience or gave appropriate consequences. Later we taught those old enough to ask ‘why we didn’t when ‘everyone else was doing it’ that crass speech is never appropriate and showed them wisdom from the Word so that they could build convictions from the Word rather than the world. We explained that God gave us a brain to think and His Spirit so we could learn self control. They did not hear their Father or Mother speak that way because it wasn’t’ respectful speech and God calls us to honor Him and others with our speech. Daddy especially taught how at work when crass, vulgar or profane speech was rampant, that people often apologized to him because they knew he didn’t do that and respected him for it. That had the biggest impact on our son who admires his Dad. I still remember as a little girl, and as a big one, being so proud of my Dad because of the way that he spoke, and expected that high standard of people when they were around us. We didn’t attempt to justify or rationalize the double standard kids so often see as hypocrisy in parents. “When you get to be an adult you can use crass speech because then it’s ok, or crass speech is ok for boys but not for girls. It didn’t fool us when we were kids and it won’t fool them. We decided it was best to see what God said about our words and then follow Him. It’s also a good question to ask, do you think Jesus would say that? When they hit the teen years we said funny things like ‘gluteousmaximus’ or backside would be appropriate and they could choose which they would use. After they quit howling in laughter, which made everyone start laughing, they would try both for a time. It’s kind of sad to see how far our world has dummed down the expectations for speech. Reading good books and good character books also brings up the standard. And NEVER underestimate the value of praying for them to ‘stand strong in the Lord’ and in the power of His might. God is absolutely faithful.