I’ve never met anyone who’s entered into marriage planning to have an affair. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Almost everyone enters marriage with a vow of fidelity.
I know I did. Jason and I married in 2003 and the Lord has blessed us with the ability to live out the love and faithfulness we promised so many years ago. But very early in our marriage, I learned just how fragile these vows can be.
The Business or Ministry Partner
Not long after we married, we learned about an incident in which a minister was caught exchanging “inappropriate emails” with a women at his church. We didn’t know any of the details. We just knew that God had allowed the right person to intercept the exchange before it became anything else, and nothing ever escalated.
That was my first reality-check that no one is immune to infidelity, especially the seemingly innocent first steps towards it. It happens to good people. To good marriages. To great parents and great spouses and great employees. Cheating does not discriminate.
But because of that story, my guard was up as early as month two of our marriage. Beware, I reminded myself. Inappropriate relationships can surface anywhere. Even at church.
The Old Flame
The second time the Lord opened my eyes was when I saw what happened to a friend after his high school reunion. The story was textbook: Old flame rediscovered. Online chit-chat. Face-to-face encounters. Full-fledged affair. Divorce papers filed. Families destroyed.
It broke my heart.
Miraculously, the Lord healed his marriage, but not without a lot of time, hurt, work and brokenness. But because of that story, I raised my guard even higher. Beware, I reminded myself. Inappropriate relationships can surface anywhere. Even from your past friendships.
The Emotional Affair
The last story that God used to sharpen my awareness was on a TV show, of all things. One of my favorite shows, Parenthood, just ended this year. It was a drama that tackled everything from abortion to autism to cancer to homosexuality (not always with a Christian worldview), but of all the intense story lines, one of the most realistic to me was one in which a major couple was torn apart because of infidelity.
And it all started with text messages.
The wife formed a friendship with one of the dads in her daughter’s school. They texted about school things, mostly. And about the kids. Then about the restlessness they felt because of unemployment. Then about how thankful they were to have someone who “understood them.” And slowly, but surely, they grew closer to each other and farther from their spouses.
It was a classic case of an “emotional affair.” It started so innocently, but ended so badly.
And once again, God used that to raise my guard even higher. Beware, I reminded myself. Inappropriate relationships can surface anywhere. Even from casual acquaintances.
The Truth about Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
Although I said that these stories “affair-proofed” my marriage, the truth is, no marriage is 100% affair-proof. I don’t say that to be overly dramatic or paranoid. I say that because, while I completely trust my husband and I completely trust myself, I absolutely do not trust the enemy. And for that reason, my guard will never be lowered.
My husband and I went through a difficult period in our marriage. He began drinking and covering how much he was drinking by lying to me. He would come home and fall asleep right after dinner. He made up stories about having to work, etc. so he could go drink. During this period of time, I began to feel like a ‘spiritual widow’. I had the realization that this was how affairs begin and it scared me. I didn’t want not did I intend to ever have an affair but I knew I needed to be careful and have my guard up even more. I didn’t want to dishonor God or my children. Thankfully, years later, our marriage has been restored and my husband is sober and honest! Sometimes our own circumstances can be the ‘story’ that God uses to get our attention.
Wow, Beth! How wise of you to realize your vulnerability during such a difficult time! You’re right though – feeling like a “spiritual widow” leaves us wide open for a “spiritual knight” to come and “rescue” us, if our guard is not up. Bless you for that reminder, and praise God that your marriage has been restored!